KelticDead Jokes ... and Other Stuff

"It's All Fun"

Being of "that" descent and nature, I enjoy good jokes and bits of information that some might consider "wisdom," ... or something else. This is my version in the telling of them. ... Good clean fun.

The term "Irish Joke" is a type of humor that is characterized by a really short story or single phrase, quickly followed by an ending that may not be quite what one expects. If a joke follows this pattern and is NOT Irish in origin, .... they're still fun. 

About the Woman's Scientific Perspective ...

If a man is alone in the forest with no one around to hear him, and he speaks ....

        .... He's still wrong!

About Old Age and Wisdom

  1. Seems like the older we get - the faster life goes. My theory behind that is simple ... the older we get - the slower we are, and that makes everything else seem to go faster.
  2. Wisdom is often attributed to the old, but my verdant belief about that (based upon my experience in the matter) is that "wisdom" comes about learning from all those mistakes that didn't out-right kill you.
  3. The reason young folk think old folk are smart is because it usually takes old folk longer to get around to sayin' something, and that gives 'em more time to think about what they're sayin' ... before they say it. (See item 1. above.) 

About Old Age and Wisdom ... more of it.

From Harry Rhodes,

"Old age is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to you get to the end of it, the faster it goes." 

Anger Management ...

As it came to past, Millie had reached her 90th birthday and she knew she had to wrap up her affairs and prepare for the afterlife. She had been married for over sixty years with her husband, and she instructed him to retrieve a large box from the top of the closet and open it.

Within the box was one small knitted doll with some yarn and knitting needles sitting upon a stack of bills amounting to over $95,000.00. The old man picked up the doll and asked "What is the doll for?"

"Well. I would knit a doll for each time you made me angry," she replied sweetly.

The old man was almost moved to tears as he picked up the knitted doll thinking that he only made his wife angry once in their sixty years of marriage. "And where did all this money come from?" he asked.

She smiled and patted his hand, "I would sell the doll for one dollar and make another."  

Blind Ambition ...

From Earnie Taft ... 

A man was walking his Chihuahua past a pub, and thought to enter for a cold pint, but noticed a big sign on the entry door that said "NO DOGS ALLOWED."

He was about to walk away, when his friend came out of the pub with his large German Shepherd. The man with the Chihuahua looked at his friend, and asked, "How is that you entered the pub with your dog?"

His friend smiled and confided, "Well. All I had to do is put on a pair of sun shades, and tell the bar keeper that I'm blind."

When his friend departed, the man with the Chihuahua put on a pair of sun shades, picked up his Chihuahua, walked into the pub and up to the bar, placed his Chihuahua on the bar, and ordered a pint with confidence.

The bar keeper looked at the man greatly annoyed. "There are NO dogs ALLOWED in the Pub!" he said.

The man with the Chihuahua confidently replied, "I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog!"

The bar keeper got even more angry at the obvious deception, and yelled at the man, "THAT IS A CHIHUAHUA!!!"

The man gasped, and said loudly, "IS THAT WHAT THEY GAVE ME ?!" 

Celebrating the GOOD Times ... and the BAD Times ...

Murphy was a hardworking Irishman, and after turning 65, he began to feel poorly. After his checkup, his doctor gave him the bad news. "Murphy! I’m afraid you’re dying of cancer, and there’s nothing I can do for ya."

After the initial shock set in, Murphy looked at the doctor and said, "Well. I’ve had a good life. Got a fine wife and a fine, grown son, ... and I’m Irish. We Irish celebrate good times and bad times the same, so I’ll not be cryin’ on havin’ this good life I've had."

Murphy’s son was out in the waiting room, and when his father told him the news of his cancer, his son was broken up. However, Murphy hugged his son and said, "Now. Listen, Boy-o. We’re Irish, and we celebrate the good times and bad times. Let’s go to the pub, and we’ll have a pint to celebrate the fine life I’ve had.

At the pub, while he and his son were having a pint, Murphy’s friends walked into the pub and saw him. They all asked, "How’s it goin’ Murphy?"

Murphy shook his head sadly, "Well. Not so good, I’m afraid. I just received bad news from my doctor."

His friends looked at him and asked, "What wrong?!"

"Well. My friends, the doctor tells me I’m dyin’ of aids!" he said, while giving his son the look to keep silent. His friends were speechless, but Murphy piped up, "But REMEMBER my friends! We’re ALL Irish!!! We celebrate the good times and bad times the same way." He looked at the barkeeper and told him to buy all his friends a pint.

After an hour with his friends, they all departed, and finally his son leaned over to his father and asked, "Now, Da! I heard you clearly say ... you were dyin’ of cancer! You’re not dyin’ of aids. So why did you tell your friends you were dyin’ of aids?"

Murphy smiled at his son, as he took another sip of his pint and said, "Well. Those are all my friends, son, and we’re all Irish. We grew up together and we celebrate the good times and the bad times the same way."

He leaned closer to his son and said, "And because we ARE that way, ... when I’ve passed on, … I just don’t want ‘em celebrating with yer mother!"

Going to a Party ...

Pat and Marge had been married for over twenty-five years and were invited to go to a party. When they got there, a man their age was dancing wildly with all the ladies, drinking whiskey, doing backflips, and obviously having a great time.

Marge leaned over to her husband, and said, "I know that man! He and I almost got married, instead of you and I."

Pat looked at the man and said, "Yes, and I can see he's STILL celebrating."

KELTICDEAD Factoids ...

The Origins of the FOUR WINDS symbol

The Celtic influence stems from endo-European origins, after the Great Migration, from which spawned cultures into the west, into northern Europe, and into the British Islands; as well as into the east, into India, Tibet and beyond. Many believe these migrating tribes came from ancient Sumeria, as many of the symbols and myths are similar. Those tribes that crossed over the great snow capped peaks of the Caucus mountains started what we call today as the "western" civilizations.

Of the many symbols that have come out of the Celtic past, one symbol, now erroneously referred to as the "Celtic Cross," is perhaps the most powerful one of all. This symbol describes the five elements, of earth, fire, water, and wind, around the inner self (the fifth element).

The KelticDead uses this symbol as a reminder that all of us must make a journey in life, and this symbol indicates the four "airts" (points on the compass) to guide us in that journey. The continuous Celtic knot represents the winds of the four elemental forces that help us to get there.

"To the Four Airts to Guide Us, and For the Four Winds to Get Us There."

Going to be a Long Night ...

Two men sat down at the bar in a pub in London to have a few drinks.

After the first round, one looks at the other and asks, "You look familiar. Just where might you be from."

"Now. I was thinkin' the same thing meself about you!" says the other. "And, by the way you talk, I'll wager you're from Ireland, as I am meself."

The first man looks surprised, "So I am," he said. "And, just where in Ireland might you be?"

"Why. From Dublin, and you?"

"Now. Faith! So am I!" exclaims the other. "Let me buy you another round!"

"And, just what school, did you attend?"

"Why. Saint Mary's in '68!" says the man.

The first man exclaims, "Well! Praise all the Saints! What are the chances of two Irishmen comin' into the same pub in London from the same place in Ireland, AND from the same school, and from the same year! ... Truly AMAZING!!" He motions for the bar keep. "Another round for me friend and I!"

While this exchange was going on, a young woman, sat on a stool next to the two men and ordered a drink.

The barkeep sat the drink down, and said to the young woman, "Miss. I would recommend that you take your drink to the table. It's going to be a long night, as the Murphy twins will be doin' this ALL night!"

Growing UP ...

(Thanks Earnie Taft)

A young man said to his mother, "Mommy. When I grow up I'm going to be a Musician."

To which the mother replied, "NOW Dear! .... You KNOW you can't do both."

I ... AM ... GOD ! ! !

As Catholic Parish Priests throughout Ireland are dedicated to the faith in doing the business of the Lord, this is one tale that should interest a few folk.

When a young Catholic Priest came into his small village church to open it, he discovered a half naked man in a loin cloth, sitting cross-legged on the altar in meditation.

The startled young Priest went up to the man, and asked who he was.

The half naked man slowly opened his eyes, and with piercing blue eyes, he looked at the young parish Priest, and said with a commanding voice, "I AM GOD!"

The young Priest was put off by this response, and asked again, "Who did you say you are?!"

Without expression, the meditative man again looked at the young Priest and said in a powerful voice, "I .... AM .... GOD!!"

Well. This totally unnerved the young Priest and he quickly ran back into the rectory and called his Cardinal. He recanted what had happened and what the man on the alter had said. "What should I do?!" the young Priest asked.

The Cardinal thought it over for a second, and asked, "... and you say, he looked at you and said he was GOD?!"

The young Priest nodded as he spoke into the phone, "Yes. He said he was GOD!"

"Well. In that case," the Cardinal said, "I suggest you go back into the Church, ... and look BUSY!" 

Mind Your "p" and "q" ...

Mind Your "P's" and "Q's"

While nothing is proven about the origin of the expression, "Mind Your Ps and Qs," it may have come from days of the early printing presses, where printers placed individual letters, cast from lead, into a frame which was used to print a page of text. It would be easy to make a mistake between the two lower case letters, "p" and "q," and could cause spelling errors in the print. This fact may have led to the expression and could have been used as an adage for teaching children to spell correctly. 

The Protestant in the Catholic Community ...

As most are aware, many communities in Ireland are of the Catholic faith, but there are Protestants as well, and there are basic differences in their life styles that causes some problems at times, as is illustrated by the following tale: 

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish as was the custom of good Catholics during that time. This went on each Friday of Lent, until finally, on the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John before the next season of Lent rolled around, as he was sorely tempting them all to eat meat, rather than fish.

They all got together and decided they would try to convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him, and were all amazed that he took it so well. He agreed to become a Catholic right on the spot. Well. They quickly took him to the local Catholic Church, where the Priest sprinkled some Holy water on him and said, "You were born a Protestant; you were raised a Protestant; and now you are a Catholic!"

All the local families were relieved that by getting John to become a Catholic, they had successfully removed the temptation of eating meat during the time of Lent in their community.

When the next season of Lent rolled around, it was on the first Friday of Lent, just as the neighbors were about to have super, there came the delicious smell of a steak cooking on John’s grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses. They all quickly gathered and marched over to John’s place. As they stormed into his back yard, they were just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. His eyes were closed, and he was sprinkling the water on the roasting meat, saying,

"You were born a cow; you were raised a cow; and now ... you are a FISH!"

So UPPITY ! ...

Now Mike was outside of his house choppin’ wood for the kitchen fires when Pat and his friends happened by.

“Sliante! Mike,” says Seamus. “Did y’know that Pat here is quite the lover boy!! We just found out that he’s slept with every woman in village, save for one.”

Mike looks at his friends, and scoffs, “Be off with ya!” as he began to walk back into the house with a load of wood in one arm.

“No! It’s true Mike,” says Aaron in all seriousness. “Some of the women folk tallied it up, and sure enough, Pat here, has slept with every woman in the village except for one.”

Mike laughed as he waved them off and stepped into his house. Mike’s wife saw her husband talking with Pat and his friends, as she was cooking breakfast on the stove, and asked, “What are those lads up to now?”

Mike gruffed as he unloaded the wood into the bin by the fireplace, “Oh. Seamus and Aaron are sayin’ Pat has slept with every woman in village, save for one.”

His wife huffed with a smug look. “It’s probably that Sara Mackie! She sooo uppity!!!!” 

Salutations ... As I Find 'em.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; but He who loses faith, ... loses all.

Saint Patrick was a gentleman, ... who through strategy and stealth drove all the snakes from Ireland. Here’s a toast to his health, but not too many toastings, ...  Lest you lose yourself and then forget the good Saint Patrick, ... and begin see all those snakes again.

There are good ships, and there are wood ships ... those ships that sail the sea. But the best ships, are friendships, ... and may they always be.

Here’s to you and yours, ... And to mine and ours, ... And if mine and ours ever come across you and yours, then I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours, ... as mine and ours have done for you and yours!

May the lilt of Irish laughter lighten every load. May the mist of Irish magic shorten every road... And may all your friends remember all the favours you are owed!

May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows your dead.

May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.

Always remember to forget the troubles that passed away.
      But never forget to remember The blessings that come each day.

May neighbours respect you, Trouble neglect you, The angels protect you, And heaven accept you.

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, The foresight to know where you're going, ... and the insight to know when you've gone too far.

May those that love us, love us. And those that don’t may God turn their hearts. And if he doesn’t turn their hearts, ... may he turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping.

Why "Dumb Blond" Jokes are so short and simple ...

Typically, jokes about dumb blonds are quite short and simple.

The reason for this is easy to understand; ... It's so men can understand them.

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